Midnight Smack BY FU

This isn’t a review and it’s definitely not a list. 

It’s just how we eat. 

I have opinions, Stef has a frighteningly good palate, and between the two of us we spend a lot of time talking food and deciding what’s to order where when we go out. Sometimes it’s our restaurants, sometimes it’s someone else’s. Either way, it comes from a lot of love for this industry and the people working their tails off in it.

So to begin I’ve been eating and drinking really good food for a hella’va long time. Long enough that I know my way around flavors, I know when something is done right, and know when it absolutely is not. I can cook pretty well too.

My second self—Stef—is where things get unfair.

She’s everything I am, except she’s a much more accomplished chef and a super taster. Her palate is crazy good. Like, frustratingly accurate. She tastes everything—layers, balance, seasoning, when something is just slightly off she’ll nail the reason and how to fix it. It’s also a curse. She doesn’t like a lot of things because she tastes are really strong for her… and yet she also likes stupid things like tater tot casserole.

So no, we are not identical.

SS: Don’t drag the tots into this.
ME: I will always drag the tots into this.

Back in the ZZest days, she was the daytime chef. It was genuinely hard not to ask her—daily—what she could make me for lunch. And more often than not, what landed in front of me was a perfectly seared piece of fish, simple greens, with a bright vinaigrette that made everything snap into place. Balanced. Clean. Confident.

ME: Hey Stef… you know I could just go buy some fish and greens, and you could recreate my fantasy lunch right here.
(insider note: she shares office space in the back)
SS: Ah sure. I’ll do that between meetings, calls, and bouncing between the restaurants fighting fires.
ME: Well… one can dream, and we can still talk food, as that’s my favorite thing to do with you.

ME: Remember we both laughed at how annoyed we were with Erin French always talking about soup.

SS: She literally makes a pureed soup out of everything 🙄… like fresh celery soup, weird but I’m sure it was delish! Although, I shouldn’t talk sh!t about Erin because I used to make pretty damn good soups for lunch service at ZZest, probably the same way she does. Whatever I had in the kitchen I chopped it up and threw it in a soup pot and made magic.
ME: You most certainly did!

And that—right there—is why this series exists.

Our industry is hospitality. 

We’ve all heard it. And if you happen to own a business, you’ve felt it. “We”—not just me, but our restaurants too—and it seems just about everyone else out there. January is the start of being down. But this year it is particularly slow. Nobody thinks anything is going to change overnight. Money is tighter than ever. Everything costs so damn much.

Like lunch here at the office—

Three DoorDashed salads? $75.
That is honestly insane.
Not doing it again.

Why? Because they just weren’t worth it. Not that much money. I could maybe settle for ok at half that price because I’m lazy and in a hurry—but at $75, I’m going to think that through before I do that again. And I’m pretty up close and personal about the enormous fees that go to  Door Dash. It’s a blog post on it’s own. 

SS: For the most part Doordash drivers do a decent job especially since they probably have zero training from the start. From experience in our restaurants, we have had to refund and comp thousands of dollars a year from DD drivers turning our pizzas sideways to carry them, stacking the orders and delivering an hour late, leaving them at the neighbors doorstep, and my personal NOT fave is when they eat part of the order and short our guestS. #RUDE!

SS: So when ordering Door Dash, you knew better.
ME: I did. But peer pressure.

There are many reasons for going out to dinner, and believe it or not, it’s not always about the food.

ME: Except for me. Mostly, it’s always food-related.
SS: DUH. For me, it’s so I can get away from my two kids and eat something I didn’t have to cook lol. Ask any chef, their favorite food is anything they don’t have to cook. 

So same because second for me is I want to kick back and have someone bring me a lovely glass of wine and something to eat that is decent enough. No clean up in the end. Just the mornings coffee cup to add to the dishwasher.  I can find that at places you might be surprised by.

Here’s one big problem though: I don’t eat very many carbs, and I don’t really eat a lot of sugar. I will—but it’s got to be really, really good for me to dance with the carbs. So I am not only a snob about food, but I’m really limiting myself too.

I’m so used to not eating bread that every once in a while I try it just to see. Nine times out of ten? Not worth it.

The usual burger bun? Usually sucks.
The odd little dinner roll? No thanks.
Pita bread? More tasteless than I remember but basically vehicle to get tzaski in my mouth. .
Super-toasted garlic bread nestled in a cloth-lined basket—aka Hubbell House?

Oh yes. I’ll eat one of those.

Is it good? It’s… ok. But it’s nostalgic. And that’s another thing to consider when choosing whether to dine out at all—and then where. What will hit the marks so the credit card bill doesn’t hurt so much? Food, service or just a memory from long ago. 

So this will be a Series (Not a Review)

So Stef and I—although almost the same person—eat a little differently. We thought every once in a while we’d give you our favorite orders at some local restaurants. Not a review. Not a ranking. Just: if you happen to eat like us, here’s what we’d order, and we’re happy with it.

Something you can take into consideration.

And we also thought we would give a shout-out to other local restaurants who may be treading water right along with us. Maybe telling you our personal faves will give someone the nudge to go ahead and try something because I eat like they do.

SS- Why the hell would they want to listen to us clucken hens.

ME: Because we know our stuff. Plain and simple. Grab a beverage and come along.

I’m starting with our family’s restaurants.
And I’m starting with Yuma Fritas.

And I am going to be perfectly honest.

I was slightly disappointed by the idea of yet another burger place. Mostly because they’d probably nail those buns like Hot Chip, and then it would be a full-on internal battle to resist. Plus, I know what restaurant ideas have been tossed around, and there are some fantastic ones that I hope will get tackled one day.

But here’s a closer look.

Yuma Fritas: My Order

Yes, the patties come on a nicely grilled bun. And even worse—well, actually better—there are fries piled on top. Thin, crispy, perfectly salted fries. My hope is that one—just one, well maybe two—will somehow find its way into my box, because I do love fries.

I can live without that perfect bun if there’s a sauce that’s unique and interesting. And Yuma has some delicious sauces. That easily changes the game for me.

Lately, my go-to is a chicken patty.
Ground chicken patty seasoned with a chipotle mezcal blend.
No bun. No fries. But that lemon mayo that comes with it is really delicious. The patty is topped with Havarti cheese, and I add tomato and cilantro-lime salsa. So I get a bit of veggies and some brightness from the lime in the salsa.

I wasn’t that hungry the last time I ate it, but next time I’m going to order the mixed greens salad with the patty on top. That way I’ll get a little avocado and mango love, some crunchy pepitas, and a chipotle vinaigrette that will complement the lemon Yuma mayo. It’s all keto then, and it’s killer.

SS: You could add a runny egg. 6 more grams of protein or bacon or both. Then the caramelized onion for a little sweet.  Get extra lime now for that needed acid.

ME: ahhh. Excellent ideas. And spoken like a true chef 

Another option—or maybe in addition—is the ceviche. Plenty of lime juice. Cubes of tuna with a slight smokiness. Jalapeño, onion, mango, cilantro. It comes with saltine crackers, which I initially wasn’t going to try because… flour.

But I ate one perfect bite and wow—bright and tasty. The rest I ate with a fork. I can’t go full Monte on the crackers. Though I seriously wanted to.

I’ve also had the Cubano sandwich. That time I had the bread and tried to dig the ham, pork, pickles, and yum out of it. The bread was authentic and delicious and, well, it doesn’t play well in a no-carb field. I may treat myself again one day. For those of you that eat bread—it’s good, so dive in. Do you have a vegan friend? Take them with. Though I haven’t tried the Cuban vegan version, I’m 100% sure it hits all the marks.

Second Self Stef Orders Like This

So. Stef. What’s your order?

SS: I love the fish patty.
ME: Serious? I’m a little surprised. Or maybe it’s just salmon you don’t like.
SS: Right. I’m not about salmon. Too fishy. Actually, I do not eat fish haha. But, I plan to go back to Santa Barbara and eat again at Brophy Bros. Clam Bar and Restaurant. We had the Fish and Chips Beer Battered and a Brophy’s House salad. I have tried to remake the dressing at home a couple of times and haven’t mastered it yet, but I’m so close! It’s just romaine with a creamy garlic dressing and shaved parmesan. We literally ordered the exact same things for take out the next day and sat on the pier to eat this time.

ME: Honestly, I have to agree with you there on some kinds. I’m always surprised when non–fish eaters actually eat salmon. There are the fatty versions, and then there’s deep red sockeye—which of course is wonderful for your health—but it’s my least favorite. King is my favorite but not readily available. I tend to like Atlantic, though generally that’s the one that can carry toxins. Ugh. Where to turn? I think coho is the best of the bunch—but again, not always easy to find.

ME:Anyway… what’s on your fish burger?

SS: The fish patty is chopped daily and seasoned with garlic and herbs. And I love mayo of any kind.
ME: You do. Oh damn—remember our special mayo for tacos when we were downtown? We based it off yum yum sauce???
SS: Yeah. So good. It was called… ñam ñam sauce. Mayo, sriracha, toasted sesame oil, honey and fresh cilantro. On the rice, amazing. On everything even more amazing. .
ME: We were so good.
SS: Yeah, don’t get me started. We were so good. People underestimate this dynamic duo haha. 

ME: So—fries and bun?
SS: Usually. It’s hard not to have the whole experience. I like the fish patty with Havarti and limón mayo, salsa on top like you—though I do mango slaw too from time to time. The guac is a great topping too, and bacon. LOL. And a side of chipotle mayo for my fries.

ME: Oh. That does sound good. Does that complete your order?

SS: No. I have to have the churros and the chocolate dipping sauce.

ME: What’s so great about it?
SS: It’s the chocolate Kara—the pastry chef at Mr. Pizza North—uses for cheesecakes. It’s Callebaut dark.

ME: Well, I rarely order dessert, but next time you get them, give me a bite.

SS: I’ll DoorDash them for you right now!
ME: Ugh. You know my beef with DoorDash… (more on that sometime, folks)
SS: laughs I know, but I need to make sure Yuma’s DoorDash system is all set up…

Twenty minutes later.

Churros.

ME: Ok. Let me be the judge of these…
SS: Ok, jump in.
ME: OH WOW. Ok. WOW. Didn’t think I would love this so much. The chocolate is kind of bitter—no, definitely bittersweet—and absolutely perfect with the cinnamon-dusted churros.

SS: YEP, Balanced would order again. You are welcome. 

Ok. Dang…
One more churro..